did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Me too!
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Boobs are out for the taking
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
