I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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