Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
