When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
