u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
My feet surprised me
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
