You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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