Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
