I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...