Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
My bed smells like the plague
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
