i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
