Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
