My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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