I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
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