She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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