News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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