Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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