I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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