He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
