He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
