I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
