my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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