Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
is that a dick in a sweater?
All I want is dick and wine.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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