eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
