She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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