Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
