wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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