Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
