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I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
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