Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
