ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
