wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just found puke in my bra..
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
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I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
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Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.