I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?