We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I can't put those talents on a resume
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
