What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
