I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
