I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
