the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
