I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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