She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
He has the fingertips of a God
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