Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
we're so committed to being not committed
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