I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
