you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
