I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
