Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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