he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
