Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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