Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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