i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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