But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Randomize
