im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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