Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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