my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize