i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
