Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
