He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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