my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
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